by Apeksha Rai

My cowardice

No poet has ever dreamt of writing a series of depressing poems, nor I have. My recent poems remind me that I’m nobody more than a lost player. A mere loser. What makes it more painful is the fact that the reasons of my this situation are being considered completely worthless.

I thought I could easily be strong alone. But i also knew that one day this poetic nature of mine will make me weaker with nobody to understand me. This poem’s for you. For I feel I’ve hurt quite a crowd. Do leave a few words for me. I need them now!

My emotional bluntness can’t soothe you

But it’s not meant to hurt you either

I invite genuinity, then contradict myself,

Saying that I’m an awkward creature

That fails to enter your practicality

Maybe all this is my cowardice.

 

I often replace ‘lonely’ with ‘alone’

Just to opposite to my nature, I stay quiet

My silence comes into the notice of hundreds,

And I’m supported by a desirable crowd,

Yet I complain that I couldn’t earn a friend,

Maybe all this is my cowardice.

 

Every time you try to look into me

I discomfort you with some weird requests

I plead you not to be too close,

For I can’t handle the loads of relations,

Until, with my will, I really want to ,

Maybe all this is my cowardice.

 

What all I say is observer dependent,

Intense to me, and so light to you

I accept to be a source of melodrama,

Just to give you all those pains sooner,

That can grow with time and hurt more,

Maybe all this is my cowardice.

 

In all my roles, I seem to be a failure,

Sometimes questioning my negligible breaths,

All of a sudden this all has happened

My pessimism and guilts have swallowed me,

‘nd I’m  not letting the lights meet my eyes,

Maybe all this is my cowardice.

 

This pretentious abhorrent ice-like me,

What does it want from this old place?

It promises to keep it’s originality,

Yet melts with the heat of your burning heart,

Neither solidified, nor liquefied,

Maybe all this is my cowardice.

 

You initiate tying a knot with me; I’m hesitant,

I’m afraid to give that knot a name,

‘Cause I know you haven’t met me yet.

Being the slave of my rules,

And not the ruler of any slavery,

Maybe all this is my cowardice,

Maybe what lives is my cowardice.

45 thoughts on “My cowardice”

  1. To be honest when I was reading this each and every lines were pointing me out I m the same person thanks for posting this and letting me know that it is all a sign of coward 😊

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    1. No you’re not a coward! I can’t let my reader leave my blog with such a feeling. 😂 Let us both rise from it. We’re brave okay? I’ve been saying this to me everyday. But still, I felt good to know you😄 Thanks for reading, fellow blogger!

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      1. Haha I Am not leaving ur blog don’t worry .😂 and what a coincidence I say the same things to myself but in different words .😂😂 words are different feelings are same. 😝anyways it was nice to know u 😊

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  4. The very act of you expressing emotions through your world tells, that you’re not a coward. But yes, this feeling of being utterly lost with nothing worthwhile to live for is quite to common. Very beautifully written. ❤️

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    1. Thanks for your magical words, fellow blogger🙈
      So because you’ve said that I can’t be a coward, I know I really can’t. And the feeling you talked about, is being murdered by me everytime it hops in. A huge success, no?

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  5. The poem reveals to me the pressure to conform pitted against the creativity struggling to unleash. The repetition of ‘cowardice tends to suggest a feeling if guilt in the poet as her sensibility evolves. Once that process reaches it’s end, there shall surely be fulfillment.
    All the best👍

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    1. Hey martian!! I know you’re one of my oldest followers and i feel so amazing that you’re still in touch even when i get busy and don’t get back to you so often. You’re really very nice to me😄

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  7. Your words could be an echo from me. I have always suffered with low esteem and such little confidence that I became a target for bullies. Creativity is a release valve and we should applaud it . Moments alone should be cherished as they can keep us grounded, at times but I have discovered that worrying about what other s think of me is a debilitating unnecessary waste of time. True friends will stand by you in good and horrible times and not everyone likes everybody so take a moment to remember life is truly a gift and you have an extra gift ..of being able to write poetry.. embrace it and life. I look forward to reading more of your work.

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    1. No doubt you’ve absorbed every tidbit of sentiment i expressed here. An I’m more than glad for that!! Such long-long comments are a treat to me forever. (Wait. I’m praising the depth too!!) ^_^
      Thank you soo much for being here and for your beautiful wishes
      Keep in touch! ❤

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  8. Aoeksha, the days you feel low about yourself, look at the weaker person you were a few days back or maybe just yesterday, and today you have risen above that fear. So, likewise, tomorrow you will overcome today’s fear and anxiety too. All we need is not to lose faith.☺️

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  10. I love it so much when writers put themselves into a vulnerable position by putting something close to them out there. It’s good to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way. But we must realize that there will be days when we’re weak and distancing, we must see that we are not defined by our demons or by our worst days. I love this so much.

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    1. Heyy!! Thanks for being here❤
      I still remember, getting that lovely response from you after mailing you my poems. Maybe 3 years back. No convo after that!!
      Do visit again!😄

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